I can feel myself fading away and becoming a shell of a person. I feel like I’ve lost all control over my life. It feels like I just have to accept what’s happening to me, rather than proactively take control of my life. It’s a bit sickening really, seeing as I’m normally so in control of myself and my life. I hate every part of this and I really don’t know what I’m going to do or what’s going to happen. I just wish that it was different, but alas no amount of wishing is actually going to make any difference.
I am just trying to fill the time at this point. I’m putting words down on paper because I’m trying to empty my mind. It’s not easy. My brain feels like it’s exploding. I need to remember to take my car to the mechanic. Operating in Bentleigh, which is near where I live, I’ve been taking my car to this mechanic for over ten years. This mechanic saw me as a doe-eyed eighteen-year-old with a beaten up car, to the day when I drove my brand new car into his workshop with a smile on my face. When I drop my car in for the service tomorrow, he’ll probably have seen me in the worst state I’ve ever been in. I’ve never felt worse in my entire life. I even look sick. I’m bright red because of stress. My head burns. My heart aches. I can’t focus. I feel sick to my stomach. My mechanic is probably going to think that I’ve caught that deadly disease that’s going around. I wish. That would be better than how I feel now.
Hopefully, the mechanic can just distract me with some random facts about cars and auto electrical parts. Bentleigh is a great place to visit if you need your car repaired, which is why I’ve chosen it amongst all my angst. I’m really struggling with all facets of my life right now so it’s hard for me to think clearly.