I burst out of the water and flopped onto the land, gasping for air. I thought I could hear the woman’s laugh, cackling at me from beneath the crashing of the waves, and I wish I had the energy to spit into the ocean. Instead, I collapsed onto my stomach, taking in deep lungfuls of air.
‘Hey, buddy, are you alright?’ I heard a voice say, and I looked up. I hissed in fright, adrenaline flooding my limbs and forcing me to scuttle backwards.
Human! Human looking at me!
‘Woah, easy pal,’ the man said, holding his arms out non-threateningly. ‘You look like you’ve been through the wringer.’
‘The… wringer?’ I said, confused.
‘Yeah, yeah, y’know…’ he scratched his head. ‘Hell?’
‘Hell,’ I mumbled, nodding to myself. ‘Yeah… something like that.’
‘Do you need, like, an ambulance or something?’ the man asked, confused and concerned.
‘No, no…’ I shook my head, not sure what an ambulance was. ‘Although… do you know where to purchase custom orthotics?’
‘Custom what-nows?’
‘Orthotics,’ I repeated, pretty sure I was sounding it out correctly. ‘For my feet.’
I pointed down at them, still getting a minor thrill from the sight of my new toes.
‘Do you need orthotics?’
‘Don’t all human—uh, I mean,’ I caught myself quickly, ‘don’t all of us?’
‘No,’ he man frowned. ‘How long were you down there, dude?’
‘Only fifteen minutes, I think,’ I lied, trying to put him at ease. I stood up, dusting the sand from my pink, fleshy body. ‘Tell me,’ I said. ‘Do you know where to get treatment for a fungal infection near Cheltenham?’
‘Do you have a… you know what, never mind,’ he sighed, throwing his hands in the air. ‘You might have brain damage, but you can walk, so… good enough for me.’
He turned and walked away from me and I scrunched my face up.
If I couldn’t find someone to point me towards a podiatrist close by, how was I supposed to do like cousin Ed did and find my one, true, human love?